


Losing a Glove

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-22
Updated: 2003-12-22
Packaged: 2019-05-30 19:26:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15103367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Donna and Josh deal with the distance that has grown between by facing the cold.





	Losing a Glove

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**Losing a Glove, and Other Consequences of the Cold**

**by:** Nadera

**Character(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Romance   
**Rating:** ADULT  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine.  
**Summary:** Donna and Josh deal with the distance that has grown between by facing the cold.  
**Author's Note:** This is the first fan fiction I’ve written, ever.  Be kind.  And feedback of any sort would be so amazingly appreciated.  I just hope you like it. 

"Why are you still here Donna?" C.J. asked as she walked past me toward the door.

I shrugged my shoulders.  "Want to get some work done."

C.J. looked around.  "I thought Josh left."

I nodded.  "He did."

C.J. looked at me with confusion and uncertainty, but instead she just nodded back and said "Have a good night, Donna.  You can call me if you need anything."

"Thanks," I smiled at her.  "Goodnight C.J."

She smiled and walked down the hall out of my sight.  C.J. was so confident.  Tall and confident.  Tall and confident with an impressive education and enviable job.  She was probably the object of desire for eighty-seven percent of the men coming in and out of the White House - with a percentage deduction to compensate for varying sexual orientations.  I wondered if things would be different if I was her.  Or if I just looked like her.  Or if I had her job.  Or if I was anyone else other than myself.  Cause maybe if I were someone else, things would be different between Josh and I.  Different in that good way.

Okay sure he had odd hair, but most men who are neither actors nor gay nor Queer Eye for the Straight Guy projects have odd, if not plain bad, hair.  And he was cocky in that junior high president of the class cocky kind of a way.  But he was Josh, you know.  And he was the kind of person that made me proud to be his friend, proud that I knew him better than anyone else, and proud that I was the one he turned to.  Even if he was always turning to me in a needy, friendly way and not the I-can’t-bear-to-not-be-kissing-you kind of way I had recently started to hope for.  Josh made me feel special.  Josh made me feel like I was never alone, like, despite everything that might and did go wrong in my life, at the end of the day there was always one person who really understood me.  Not that we ever said so.  Not that we ever talked at all about these things, except for special circumstances.  Like Christmas or recovering from a gun shot wound.  Except that lately...

Somewhere a phone rang.  My first impulse was to answer it, but it wasn’t mine, didn’t appear to be near me, and it was considerably past working hours.  If it was important they’d call my desk or my cell or sound the bomb alarm.  Who really needs to talk at one in the morning anyway?  I’d purposely stayed at work to finish vetting the proposed new head for the Environmental Protection Agency so I wouldn’t be bothered by my roommate or her cats or my phone or anyone really.  Besides, despite my protests, I enjoyed the bullpen at night when it was quiet and empty.  I felt safe there.  I felt peaceful.

I got up from my desk and walked toward Josh’s office.  He wasn’t there.  He’d left hours before with a wave and "See you Monday!"  It used to be that we left together.  But we hadn’t done that in awhile.  We hadn’t done very much in awhile.  Even our work day quibbling had all but disappeared.  There was the thing with Cliff.  Then there was the thing with Amy.  Then there were just things, like work, the aftermath of his gunshot - an aftermath that never seemed to pass.  It was no one’s fault, but Josh and I were drifting apart.

I stood at the threshold of his office and looked around.  I had just wanted to stretch my legs, take a break from the computer screen, but staring at his familiar clutter, the stacks of papers arranged randomly throughout the office made me miss him.  Which was odd, since I’d just seen him four hours before.

I felt like a different person than the one who used to walk in and tell him about some random thought on my mind.  I hadn’t done that in weeks.  I’d become quieter, more reserved.  A different kind of Donna.  A more confident and strong Donna.  A Donna trying to cover up her heartache and sadness.  A Donna who’d rather say nothing then say too much.

I walked back to my desk stretching my arms as I went.  It was getting late and I was getting tired.  Back at my desk I kicked my shoes off and put my feet up.  The place was quiet and still.  I leaned my head back and sighed.

And of course in the midst of such peaceful quiet, my cell phone rang.

"You’re not at your apartment."  It was both odd and familiar to hear his voice like this.  My stomach jumped to think he’d gone to my apartment to look for me.

"I’m not."

"Where are you?"

"Strip club."

"Donna!"

"Alright, I’m not at a strip club."

"Tease."

"You’re like a dirty old man, Josh."

"Hey, evil assistant.  I’ll have you know I’m one of the youngest Deputy Chief of Staffs in history."

"I said ‘like’."

"I interpreted that as part of your valley speak."

"I’m not from the valley, Josh."

"I don’t care where you’re from.  I care where you are now."

"I’m touched."

"I thought you weren’t at a strip club."

"I’m not."

"Tease."

"I’m hanging up now."

"Wait.  I need you to come get me."

"Did you lose the ability to move on your own?"

"Not yet.  But after this next drink I suspect that I will.  Besides I need you to bring me the research on Mason."  My fluttering stomach crash landed.

"I’m working on it now, Josh.  Don’t you want to wait till I’m done?"

"We can finish together; I just want to get a head start before I talk to her on Monday.  So come and get me like a good little assistant, Donnatella."

"Okay could you be anymore patronizing?  I’m inclined to leave your cocky ass there."

"Please?" he said in his little boy whinny voice.  He _was_ cute when he begged.

"Fine.  Where are you?"

* * *

I made it to the bar about half an hour later.  I hadn’t intended it to take so long, but I hadn’t intended to rush right over either.  It was a delicate balance between being Josh’s assistant and his friend - whatever that even was anymore.  The friend in me wanted to smack him upside the head and ask if he realized how rude and patronizing and down right selfish he could be.  The assistant in me still wanted to smack him upside the head, but held back because, after all, he was my boss.  Which meant, among other things, that tonight I was also his personal taxi service.  A realization that had been grating on my nerves since I’d hung up the phone.

The bar was in Georgetown which meant parking was nigh impossible.  I was ultimately forced to pay some sketchy guy ten dollars to park in a lot that he probably didn’t even own, and then walk two blocks to the bar in a snowy bone-chilling winter night.  Whatever semblance of peace and quiet I had been savoring at work up till now was completely gone and replaced by bitter resentment, and an uneasy feeling that walking around DC at two in the morning by myself wasn’t the safest of situations.

But I made it to the bar unharmed, and rushed inside to savor the warmth of the heating.  Snow had landed softly on my hair and melted, making small patches of my hair glisten from the wet and making my overall head cold.  My hands were red and stiff and I was fairly sure my face matched.  For a second I decided to give up on Josh and get myself a really stiff drink to warm me up and provide fortitude for the walk back to the car, but I couldn’t hold my liquor any better than Josh and I knew I’d regret it in the morning.  Besides there was the matter of my boss, who I had just spotted standing by the bar, leaning over some pretty redhead who didn’t even look old enough to drink yet.

This is how it happens.  This is how I know I’ve crossed whatever line there is between Josh and I.  I know because when I used to see Josh with other women it made me smile and kind of laugh - not in a vindictive way, just, you should see the women he chooses and his strategies to get them, it’s like an Acme cartoon.  And then sometimes when it was serious I used to be jealous because I wasn’t the only one he turned to anymore and because I never thought they were good enough for him.  But then, then when I saw him leaning over that girl at the bar, then it just made me sad.  I knew I’d crossed the line because it made me sad, because I’d stopped fighting for him, because I knew we couldn’t be together and because I’d given up, and in doing so, a part of me no longer wanted to know about that part of him and for that we were no longer the kind of friends we used to be.

I walked over to Josh anyway, trying to hide my sadness behind my stiff red face.  I’m sure I looked stern and judgmental, even though I wasn’t.  When I reached him he didn’t notice.  His back was toward me facing the bar and the redhead.  I felt like I wasn’t even there, like this was the Christmas present part of my own version of It’s a Wonderful Life and this was how Josh would be if I’d never been born, or died, or just never met him, and he was exactly the same as the Josh if I had been born, or alive, and met him, cause neither of them noticed me.

But I noticed him.  I noticed how broad his shoulders are and how he’d rolled up his button down shirt to right below his elbows and it made him look strong and capable and down to earth.  And I noticed his hands.  Hands that I’d held on so many occasions and that had held me, bet never in the way I wanted.  I loved his hands.  They’re twice the size of mine, and strong, the prefect combination of smooth and rough and they’re always warm.  He had one hand on the bar and the other was holding a piece of paper the red head just given him.  He still didn’t notice me, but she did and she leaned her head up and said something to him that I couldn’t hear.

Josh turned around and when he saw me his face lit up with this great big smile and I secretly hoped that it was me and not the alcohol that was making him giddy.

"Donnatella!" he said happily and reached out for me, grabbing my hand in his and pulling me towards them.   He brought me so close that I was leaning against him and he took our conjoined hands and pointed them at the redhead and said, "This is Cara."

"Hi." I smiled at her.  It wasn’t her fault she made me sad.

She smiled back.

"Cara this is Donnatella Moss," Josh said still making introductions.  He didn’t realize that we women were beyond that.  That Cara was already trying to figure out what I was to him, and I was already trying to figure out what she was to him.

I looked at Cara and she seemed nice and sweet and it occurred to me that if we hadn’t met like this we could be friends, who knows, we could be the best of friends.  But now we can’t.  Just like how Mandy never really liked me and Joey Lucas and I aren’t ever going to bond.  And Amy will always hate me.  We’re destined to resent the other, all because of this cocky guy with odd hair.  I looked at Cara and remembered why I was annoyed with Josh on the way over.  I remembered why I’d given up on relationships, why I’d become more reserved, why I felt like being a different Donna.  I wanted to avoid feeling like this.

"Are you ready?" I said to him, more curtly then I intended.  I realized I must have sounded rude, but once I said it it was too late and besides I just wanted to get out of there, get Josh home and get to my own apartment where I could relax again.

Josh tilted his head at me and gave me a look.  I didn’t care if I’d embarrassed him.  I just wanted to go.  I ignored his look and let go of his hand, taking a step back away from him and toward the door.

"Sure," he said after awhile.

I turned and headed for the door.  I knew Josh had stayed to say something to Cara, but I didn’t turn around to watch.  I waited at the door and a minute later he was behind me saying, "Better bundle up, it’s cold."

We stepped out into the cold and my coat flew open from the wind.  I grabbed either side with my gloveless hands and clutched them together trying to stay warm.  Josh had started to walk ahead and I tried to keep up and button my coat at the same time, but my hands were so cold and my coordination so lacking that I failed miserably.  It was a small thing.  It was a stupid thing.  But my eyes teared up anyhow and I stopped walking altogether.

Josh noticed and walked back to me.  "Donna?" he asked, a sweetness in his voice that only made me feel worse.  He looked at my red face and the tears sliding out of my eyes.  But I wasn’t sobbing or making any sound at all and I think he assumed the cold wind was making me cry, not this feeling of helplessness.

"Come here," he said and he grabbed my coat and pulled me toward him.  His hands were covered with suede brown gloves and he deftly worked on my coat, buttoning it one by one all the way up.  When he reached the top he pulled the lapels of the collar together so they were right under my chin and he buttoned the top button as well.  "Got to keep you warm," he said with laughter in his voice.  Then he took both of my hands in his and rubbed them.  "Where are your gloves?"

"I left them somewhere."

He shook his head at me.  "Silly rabbit."

I smiled weakly.  He’s was taking care of me.  It’s what he did.  It’s what we do.  It’s hard to not be in love with that.

"Where’s the car?" he asked.

I pointed toward the parking lot and said "one more block."

He nodded and grabbed my left hand.  "Let’s hurry, Frosty," he said and took off running pulling me along with him.

We ran as fast as we could down the final block to the car and when we spotted it, we let go of each other and ran to our respective sides.

"Open the doors!  Open the doors!"  Josh screamed hopping from foot to foot and rubbing his hands.

"I’m trying!"  I screamed back fiddling with the keys trying desperately to fit the right one in the door.  A few fumbles and finally I got the door open and hit the unlock button.  We jumped into the car and slammed the doors shut.

"Heat!  Heat!" Josh started chanting.

"Oh my God, Oh my God it’s cold," I mumbled over and over as I started the car and switched the heat on all the way. 

We sat there chanting about the heat and cold and shivering waiting for the heat to come on and after awhile our chanting became laughter and we sat there shivering and laughing as the car heated up.  We turned and looked at each other and I was still laughing at us and Josh’s face was alive and vibrant and his eyes looked amazing and sweet and he was smiling like a child as he watched me laugh and I was thinking how much I missed our friendship like this and then he leaned over suddenly and kissed me.

Josh kissed me for the first time and I, I felt nothing.  His lips were cold and I didn’t respond.  I just sat there.  I sat there shocked and unsure of what to do and he leaned back and looked at me and I saw his face fall.  He turned away from me then to look out the window and after awhile he said, "I think it’s warm enough."

I didn’t say anything.  I was still frozen but I sensed his discomfort and eventually I put the car in gear and started to drive Josh home.  The car ride was silent and I couldn’t help but think that if this was some TV show this is where the commercial would be, because who wants to see this?  Who wants to see how we each get home tonight and how we each sit here not saying anything and how uncomfortable two people can possibly be with each other.  It was twenty minutes.  Twenty minutes of silence until I pulled up at his apartment.  I wanted to say something, I wanted to say anything.  But I didn’t know what.  Didn’t I get what I wanted?  Isn’t this what I had been hoping for?  Why was I still so cold?

I couldn’t stop wondering if he’d kissed Cara tonight.  If this was how he first kissed Mandy.  If this was how he had wanted to kiss Joey Lucas when he went running to her hotel room in California.  I couldn’t help wondering if I was another girl in a long line of Josh’s girls.  I wanted Josh.  I did not want to be one of Josh’s girls.  I did not want to be an accident caused by drinking and the cold and a case of the giggles.  I’d imagined what it would feel like to be kissed by Josh before.  I imagined the kind of passion that makes it impossible to let go.  I imagined every part of my body coming alive.  I’d imagined the answers to the universe flooding over me.  I’d imagined that I’d know, the way couples are always looking back on that key moment and saying "I just knew."

Josh kissing me for the first time was nothing like I imagined.  It was all wrong.  I didn’t feel passion or alive or wiser or like I knew anything.  I felt like one of Josh’s girls.

Josh reached for the door but paused and looked back at me saying my name, "Donna?"

I looked at him.  It was the first time we’d looked at each other since he’d kissed me and I could see that his eyes looked tired and his face seemed soft and his hand, resting on the door handle, seemed so far away from me.

"Donna," he said searching my face, "I, um, I’m sorry." He turned and started to get out.

"Josh, wait." I wanted to say something, anything.  I needed to.  But nothing was coming to my mind or out of my mouth.

"What?"  He asked still looking at me and searching for some kind of answer.

There was so much distance between us now.  We didn’t even feel like Josh and Donna anymore.  We didn’t feel like friends.

"Here’s the research on Mason," I finally said reaching into the backseat and getting the file for him.

He just stared at me.

"You said you wanted..."

Josh grabbed the file before I could even finish and got out of the car shutting the door behind me.  I sat in the car and watched him walk up the stairs and into the door, never looking back.  I stayed until the light came on in his apartment and then I stayed some more.  It was as if I’d lost the ability to move on my own.

* * *

I made it home eventually, though I couldn’t be sure how.  I spent the weekend in a daze.  Josh didn’t call to go over the Mason file.  Josh didn’t call to see if I got home okay.  Josh didn’t call at all.  And I didn’t call him.

By Monday morning I’d come to believe that the golden age of Josh and Donna had come to an end and that I was to blame.  I half expected to be transferred or fired, but instead of a letter requesting my resignation on my desk when I got to work, there was a plane ticket.

I picked it up slowly as if it was a mail bomb or dirty underwear.  I slowly pulled back the front flap and read the ticket.  It was definitely for me, with my full name printed across it.  It was for that day, for noon, for only four hours from then.  And it was for Alaska.  Alaska?

"You’ve got to be kidding me," I mumbled to myself.  "As if I wasn’t already cold enough."

"Don’t forget your gloves this time."

I knew Josh was behind me before I turned around.  It was funny - my first thought was that this was where he was sending me to get me out of his sight, but I knew Josh.  He was vindictive and always went for the win, but he wasn’t that way with me.

"Why Alaska?" I asked finally turning to face him.

"A protest has broken out over ANWR.  Mason’s still governor until we appoint her to the EPA, so she’s in charge.  President Bartlet wants me to go advise Mason.  Try to keep this from becoming a press-worthy story anywhere other than Alaska.  I needed someone to come who was familiar with the issue and knowing a thing or two about Mason wouldn’t hurt.  Do you mind?"

"Do I get a choice?"

He smiled.  "No."

I smiled back.  I wasn’t thinking about what it would be like to go there with him.  I wasn’t thinking about how unresolved things were between us.  I wasn’t thinking about how much I wanted to re-do that ill-fated kiss.  I was just thinking how nice it was to see him smile at me.

"You do have time to go home and find your gloves, though."  Josh said, his smile turning back into a solemn work face.  "In fact I’d advise you to do so," he continued as he turned and walked to his office.  "I’d advise you to find your gloves and a hat and a balaclava and a personal heater and about twenty pairs of thermal underwear."

* * *

Forty eight hours of plane flights and taxi rides and layovers and restless sleep, Josh and I finally met Alaska’s Governor Etta Mason at the Governor’s residence in Juneau.

"Please come in," she called from behind her desk where she was signing a series of papers her assistant was handing to her.  "I’m so sorry to be running late." She continued as she signed the last paper and turned to her guests.  "Ben, please bring us some fresh coffee," she said to her assistant.  He nodded and walked out a side door.

"Governor," Josh said extending his hand.  "Josh Lyman."

"I know who you are Mr. Lyman," Governor Mason said with a smile.  "It’s a pleasure to have you here."

"Governor, this is Donnatella Moss," Josh said turning towards me.

"Governor," I said shaking her hand.

"Ms. Moss, thanks for coming."

Ben entered with a tray of coffee and three cups and placed them on the table.

"Thank you Ben," Governor Moss said and Ben nodded and exited again.  "Please, help yourselves," she said turning towards us.  "I know the trip here is rarely a pleasant one.  I’m sure you’re both exhausted."

Josh laughed.  "Thank you," he said and headed to the table to fix a cup.

"Please sit," Governor Mason gestured toward me.  "We might as well get to the point."  The Governor sat down at a chair opposite to the couch I’d sat on, and began speaking, making sure to direct her words to both Josh and me.  "The situation is complicated.  I’m sure you’ve been briefed.  A pro-environmentalist group calling themselves Americans for the Artic was protesting an oil refinery in Prudhoe Bay.  It was a peaceful protest and not uncommon around here.  At a different plant in the area, the refinery workers had decided to go on strike until they were given full benefits.  They had been picketing for a week already and the refinery showed no signs of caving to their demands.  When the environmentalists showed up, the workers found a likely scapegoat.  They’ve focused all their anger and frustration on to the environmentalists.  At first the local police were monitoring the dueling demonstrations, but things are getting out of hand.  The environmentalists won’t back down and the spokesperson for the workers is threatening violence if they don’t stand down.  From a purely legal standpoint, neither has done anything wrong, but, Mr. Lyman, we don’t have the police power to control this scene if something happens.  There are some thousands of protesters gathered now, and the tension is just rising."

"I don’t understand," I interjected.  "What do the workers think they’ll get if the environmentalists back down?"

"They blame environmentalists for the stricter laws that require factories and refineries to use the best available pollution control technology.  Factories and refineries cite technology and pollution control standards as the reason they can’t afford to increase worker’s wages and benefits."

"But ending a protest of environmentalists won’t change federal legislation."

"You’re interjecting logic into an issue of passion, Ms. Moss.  ANWR is a political issue in Washington, but it’s our reality here.  The debate over whether to drill or preserve ANWR has deeply divided the people of this state.  If you’re against drilling people think you’re against jobs.  If you’re for drilling you’re against our environment and heritage.  It’s heated and it’s divisive.  That protest is a living breathing powder keg."

"Yes, we know this, Governor.  President Bartlet is very concerned about the outcome of ANWR." Josh interjected.  He joined me on the couch and handed me a cup of coffee.  I took a sip and noticed it had lots of sugar, just the way I like it.

"President Bartlet has made it clear he does not support drilling in ANWR.  To half of this state, that’s saying that he doesn’t support them.  I might possibly be able to appease the environmentalists with rhetoric from the White House, but that won’t make the workers back down."

"Governor," I said cautiously.  "If you don’t mind my saying, you’ve expressed a desire to preserve ANWR on more than one occasion."

"Yes, Ms. Moss, I have.  But my opinion has always been couched carefully.  I’ve always said that I don’t support the drilling of ANWR until we develop better drill technology.  I support funding research and development first, then drilling as a last resort.  The President’s Energy plan is sorely lacking in such funding."

"With all due respect, the President’s Energy plan has to make it through a Republican controlled Senate," Josh argued.  "Funding for research and development is the least politically viable approach to conservation that has ever been tried."

Governor Mason sighed and leaned back in her chair.  "Between us," she said, a tired strain evident in her voice, "I’ve never been much interested in political viability.  Perhaps that is why I am so interested in replacing Mr. Rubus, may he rest in peace, at the EPA."

"The EPA is still very political," Josh pointed out.

Governor Mason nodded.  "Yes, but it’s not so much my political viability involved as it is your boss’s.  What is it you say?  I serve at the pleasure of the president?"

Josh nodded.

"I’d like to be able to say that," Governor Mason continued.  "I’d like very much to be able to say that."

"Governor Mason," Josh said.  "We’d like nothing more than to have you as the Head of the EPA.  But that’s not going to be possible if we can’t find a way out of this protest.  You say you don’t have the manpower, and we can’t call in the national guard if it is a peaceful protest as you say.  Our only option is to find a way to appeal to both sides and get them to back down."

"Yes," Governor Mason said nodding.  "But I don’t have the authority to grant the workers what they need, and as the soon to be head of the EPA I don’t want the political ramifications of giving the environmentalists what they want."

"I think that’s why I’m here," Josh said finishing his coffee.

Governor Mason nodded.  "It looks like the two of you are going to get to see Prudhoe Bay.  You’ll love it, it’s beautiful this time of year.  But be sure to bring your gloves."

I groaned inwardly.

* * *

Governor Mason lied.  Prudhoe Bay was not beautiful.  Or at least the refinery plants of Prudhoe Bay were not beautiful, and what’s more their heating sucked.  I had been stuck inside a cold room inside the plant for the past twelve hours while Josh, Governor Mason, Lt. Governor Miksaw and I facilitated conversations between the head of the workers and the head of Americans for the Artic, both equally stubborn organizations.  Josh and I hadn’t slept in days and where he seemed to thrive under the exhaustion, I was wilting.  I couldn’t stand the smell of coffee anymore and all feeling had left my toes within two hours of being there.

But the two leaders had agreed to return to their respective groups to discuss a proposed offer where Governor Moss would put a moratorium on ANWR development until all possible scientific studies were conducted - a process guaranteed to last several years, and the local federal OSHA chapter would send a swarm of violations to the refinery if they didn’t improve worker’s conditions, including an implicit push for benefits.  They each headed to their camps with the agreement to return in an hour’s time with a final answer.

With an hour break I was hoping to catch some rest, but, an oil refinery, it turns out, is not the easiest place to find a bed.  I wandered aimlessly down a hallway looking anyway.

"I bet this is the last place you want to be right now, huh?"  Josh said coming up behind me.

"Yeah, an oil refinery.  Not really my scene."

"No, well yeah, oil refinery’s not great.  But I meant here, with me."

I looked at Josh. His face seemed cold and lifeless.  I hoped it was just the weather.  "Why would you think that?  I’m stuck with you all the time and never even complain."

He smiled.  "Guess I just got the impression somehow that I made you uncomfortable."

"Why?" I asked looking down another hallway to see what was there.  Then I stopped and looked at him.  "Oh," I said realizing.  "Oh, you mean the other night.  In the car the other night."

He didn’t say anything.

"It wasn’t right," I said quietly.

"I know.  I’m your boss, you’re my..."

"No," I said shaking my head.  "Well, maybe that is something to think about it, but that’s not what I meant, Josh.  It wasn’t the right time or place."

"Is this one of those ‘it’s me not you’ speeches?"

"No, it was you."

"Thanks, Donna.  Really boosting morale."

"I try."

"So, what was it?  About me?

"It just felt, I don’t know, it felt like it was for the wrong reasons."

"I wasn’t drunk."

"You weren’t completely sober either."

He didn’t say anything and we both stood there for a little while.

"You called me to be your taxi, Josh," I started to say.

"I call you for things like that all the time."

"Not lately you don’t."

"You want me to call you to be my taxi more often?"

"No.  Josh, that’s not the point.  You _only_ called me because you needed a ride.  And you just wanted me to drop everything and come and get you."

"What did you have to drop, Donna?  You were working on a file for me."  Josh’s voice had become raised and strained.  We were both getting defensive.

"I do work for you, but that doesn’t make me at your beckon call." I said harshly.

"I don’t act like you’re at my beckon call!" Josh yelled.

"Jesus, Josh," I yelled back.  "You don’t honestly believe that."

He stared at me with anger and then sighed and looked away, saying bitterly, "Fine.  I shouldn’t have called."

"It’s not just that you called, Josh.  If you need me I want you to call me, I want to be there for you.  Because that’s what friends do.  Even when we haven’t felt like friends for a while."

"Is that really how you feel?" Josh asked.

"What, that we don’t feel like friends?"

He nodded.

"Yes.  Yes and no.  Cause yes, things feel different, but no, cause I can’t ever imagine not being your friend."

Josh looked down at his feet but said nothing.

I took a deep breath and kept talking, this time lowering my voice and willing the tension and frustration in it to go away.  "Josh, you called and I came and you were hitting on some girl and I had to stand there like your chauffer waiting to give you a ride home when you were done.  I felt so far away from you then.  So unlike your friend.  And then when things start to feel normal again, when we’re laughing and smiling, and just starting to be friends again, you...you..."

"I kissed you."

I nodded.  "Yeah."

"Not a very friend like thing to do, huh?" he asked quietly.

"No."

"More of a more than friends thing to do."

"Yeah."

"And you didn’t want that?  You didn’t want to be more than friends?"

I looked up and looked Josh in the eyes. "You didn’t kiss me because you wanted to be more than friends."

He put his hands in his pockets and pushed his lips together.  He rocked back on his heels and then let out a large exhale.  "No," he said holding my gaze.  "No I didn’t."

I nodded.

"I kissed you because I missed my best friend, I’d been missing my best friend, and then there you were, sitting in the car with me."

"I know," I said.  "See, that’s just not the right reason to kiss me."

Josh exhaled again and nodded.  "I am sorry," he said after awhile.

"I know," I said again.

He reached over and grabbed my hand, squeezed it for a moment and then let go.

"We should get back," I said motioning toward the conference room where the Governor was standing looking for us.

 Josh nodded and we turned to go.  "So there is a right reason?"

I laughed, "Maybe."

"Tease."

The Governor spotted us and started walking towards us.  "It looks like we’ve got an agreement," she said as she reached us.

"The workers will back down?"  Josh asked.

"I’m giving a press conference in ten minutes to announce the moratorium.  The head of each organization will get ten minutes with the press and then officially disband the protest and the strike."

Josh nodded.  "Congratulations Governor."

Governor Mason smiled.  "You know," she said.  "I’ve lived in Alaska my whole life.  I didn’t even go away for college, stayed right here.  I love it here.  It’s the most beautiful place I know.  But I honestly feel I can do more to help it by working at the EPA then I have done as Governor so far."  She smiled again sadly this time and then turned and walked toward the main doors to the platform where the press conference would take place.

Josh and I followed behind, after taking several minutes to layer ourselves with warm clothes.

The majority of the press had already been there covering the demonstrations so the press conference began without delays.  Governor Mason stood behind a podium as she made her remarks.  To her left was the spokesperson for the workers and to her right was the representative for the Americans for the Artic.  Josh and I stood off to the right side trying to stay out of view of the press core, but close enough to provide presence if needed.

It was cold and it was twilight and that made everything seem surreal to me.  I couldn’t make out clear shapes any further away than a few feet.  The crowd of press and protestors was an unclear blur.  The noise from the microphones echoed in my ear without making a coherent sound.  And either from the cold or my confusion, something in me started to panic.  Somewhere in the bottom of my stomach I felt nauseated and uneasy.  I turned to look at him, but I could barely see Josh and before I could understand what was going on we’d both fallen to the ground and all I could hear was screaming.  So many different people screaming.

Time moved unclearly.  There were two, maybe three gunshots, and then there were people scattering and screaming and not enough space.  Over and over in my head I kept thinking, _slow, slow down, please slow down_.  I couldn’t find Josh anymore, and I panicked, and began crawling on my knees.  One of the gun shots had shattered the outdoor lights leaving us all unguided in the dark night.  I wanted to scream but I couldn’t find my voice.  I crawled further along trying to reach the end of the podium.  I put my hand forward but it landed on a broken piece of glass and it ripped a whole in my wool mitten.  It scratched my hand but only barely.  I stopped moving and stared at it.  And then someone else’s hand found me and it pulled me down off the platform and into the refinery and when we got inside I saw that the hand belonged to Josh.

"Are you hurt?" he asked over and over again as his hands moved along my body.

I shook my head.  "Are you?" I stuttered.

"No, no.  I don’t think anyone was hit.  I think everyone is going to be okay.  Are you sure you’re okay?"

I looked up at Josh and started crying.  I held my hand to his eyes and sobbed, "Look, my glove."

* * *

Josh had been right.  No one was hurt.  As far as the police could tell someone had gone nuts in the crowd and aimed for the Governor when she announced the moratorium.  The shooter only got off two shots - one in the podium and one in the lighting rig - before he was taken down.  Some people had gotten cuts and bruises from the panicking crowd, but nothing too serious, only enough to spark the interest of nationwide press who heralded Mason as the working person’s environmentalist.

Josh and I had both checked out fine at the hospital, which was more than I could say for my sad left hand mitten, who was not going to recover.  Josh cancelled our flight home and booked a hotel room in Juneau instead.  He said he wasn’t willing to get on a plane for half a day without actually sleeping at least once that week, but I suspected it had more to do with another encounter with a firing gun than anything else.  I had tried to talk to him about it, but he would just make a joke and complain about the Alaska cold, so I dropped it.  I knew Josh would come to me when he was ready and in all honesty, I was still too upset to really help him anyhow.  We checked into the hotel and had a quick dinner before retiring to our separate rooms.

The rooms were designed like lodges, but without any creepy animal heads mounted on the wall.  It was probably stunning and wonderful, but I was too physically and emotionally tired to care.  I left my luggage on my floor and kicked my shoes off.  I took off my dress, leaving my bra and underwear on and slipped into the flannel covers.  The hotel was warmly heated leaving little need for the Nanook of the North night gown I had brought with me.  Besides, I loved the feel of the soft flannel against my bare skin.  I wiggled around enjoying the sensation and the overwhelming relief to be in a bed, able to sleep.  The thick comforter slid down as I wiggled until it rested at the base of my back.  I rolled onto my stomach and revealed in the comfort - I never even felt this warm and cozy in my own bed during winters in DC.  I closed my eyes and let all the tension flow out of me.

Some time later I heard a light knock on the door and a slight creak when it opened.  I was half asleep and while I knew I should be panicked, neither my mind nor body was working fast enough to do anything about it.

I heard "Donna?" being whispered faintly by a familiar voice.  The voice kept calling my name as it got closer and closer until it was nearly on top of me.

"Donna?"

I turned my head to see Josh standing next to my bed.  There were so many things I would have worried about under normal circumstances.  Like how did he get in here?  And did someone die?  Was he hurt after all?  And I’m uncovered from the top up with only a bra on.  But either from the sleep or the stress of the day, none of that really mattered to me.  I was only worried about Josh.

"Donna, I’m sorry to come in..."

"Are you okay, Josh?  Are you hurt?"  I asked through sleep numbed lips.

"Shh," he said.  "I’m okay.  I’m fine.  Just couldn’t sleep is all."

"Oh," I said nodding into my pillow.  I patted the space of bed next to me.  "Come.  Stay."

"Are you sure?" Josh asked hesitantly.

I nodded into the pillow again.

Josh laughed nervously.  "Donna, whatever it is your doing with your head, is that a yes?"

I smiled.  "Yes.  Come.  Stay."

Josh sat down on the bed and stretched his legs out.  He leaned his back against the headboard and sighed.

"Why you no sleep?" I asked, my mind still not completely awake.

"I’m not sure.  I couldn’t get comfortable I guess."

"Really?" I mumbled.  "Love this bed.  So comfortable."

"Maybe your bed’s better than mine."

"Maybe.  Try it."

"I am, Donna."

"No," I said shaking my head.  "Come here and really try it."  I reached up and tugged on his shirt.  It wouldn’t normally have been a good idea to convince my boss to lay beside me in bed while I was half naked.  But I was so tired and not thinking straight, and this wasn’t my boss, it was my best friend, it was my Josh, and we’d been through hell.

"Donna," Josh protested.  But I kept tugging until he sighed and slid down and laid on the bed next to me.

I smiled satisfied and let go of his shirt, tucking my hand under my head and shut my eyes to go back to sleep.  I felt Josh move on the bed and even though my eyes were shut I knew he’d turned on his side and was facing me.

"Comfortable?"  I asked.

"It’s much better," he said quietly.

Without thinking I pulled the comforter up and over putting it around Josh.  It was official then.  I was in bed half naked with my boss and there was nothing between us.  Not the sheets I’d kicked to the bottom of the bed and now not the thick comforter that was covering us both.  Still, I didn’t seem to mind.

"Tell me what’s wrong."  I said to him.

I felt him move as he shook his head.  "Go back to sleep Donnatella."

Josh spoke in a quiet husky voice.  I thought to myself, this is Josh’s bed voice.  I liked Josh’s bed voice.  It felt like his hands when they held mine.

"Not sleepy."  I told him.

He laughed.   "So you say through closed eyes."

I opened one eye and glared at him.  His face wasn’t far from mine and it was smiling this infectious smile at me.  "I’m awake." I protested.

His smile relaxed some.  He reached over and brushed a hair out of my eye, "you don’t have to be for me."

I smiled and opened both eyes.  Then I pulled my half of the comforter up under my arms so as to cover my chest and turned on my side to face him.  It wasn’t full proof.  He only had to look down past my hands to see the bottom curve of my bra and then the flat of my stomach downward toward the rest of me.  But he didn’t.  He just kept looking at my face.

"Tell me what’s wrong."  I said again.

"I got worried."  He said without a pause.  "I got scared."

"When you heard that gun shot?"

He nodded.

"You were scared you’d gotten shot again."

"No."

I crinkled my forehead in confusion.

"I was scared you did."

"Oh, Josh..."

"You weren’t at Rosslyn.  I didn’t have to wonder at Rosslyn.  I didn’t have to look for you at Rosslyn.  I didn’t have to worry about you."

"No," I said.  "I had to worry about you."

He was quiet for a moment, just looking at me.  "I can’t imagine what that was like.  I can’t imagine..."

"You don’t need to.  You shouldn’t."  I reached up and ran my hand along his face.  His cheek was smooth from shaving but he was cold and his jaw was trembling.

"That’s just it.  I thought when I heard the gun, I thought, please let it be me.  If it’s going to hit someone I thought please let it be me."

"Josh, no."

"I thought I can handle it.  I can handle it if it’s me.  But, I couldn’t handle it if it was you.  I couldn’t...Donna, I’m not as strong as you."

"Josh you are..."

"The thing is," he said quickly, cutting me off, "you were right.  We have been different lately.  And I don’t know when it started and I’m not sure why.  But we don’t feel like us anymore, you know?"

I nodded.

"Maybe it’s me.  Maybe it’s nobody’s fault.  It’s just that I’m afraid I’m losing you.  I’m afraid I might lose you."

Josh’s face looked vulnerable, a look that so rarely showed up on him.  It made my heart lurch.  I slid my arm under the covers, found Josh’s hand and covered it with my own.  He looked at me and smiled and I smiled back as our fingers intertwined.

"Then don’t let go," I told him.

He squeezed my hand.  "What if it’s not always my choice?"

"You can always hold on."

Josh smiled slightly and nodded.  "Go to sleep Donnatella."

I smiled and closed my eyes letting out a soft sigh.  My hand was still intertwined with his and without really thinking I moved our hands to my side, resting them on my upper left thigh.  The feel of his hand on my thigh sent shivers through me and made my heart race.  I didn’t mean to do it and I didn’t know what to do now.  I kept my eyes closed and tried to act natural.  Maybe I could just fall back to sleep and not think about it.

I relaxed my head into the pillow and sighed again.  Maybe I would have been able to fall back to sleep except that Josh had removed his hand from mine and was ever so lightly running the pad of his thumb in small circles on my thigh.  I exhaled involuntarily and rubbed my check against the soft flannel of my pillow.

Josh’s thumb was replaced by two fingers, sliding softly up and down my thigh.  He traced a line along the bottom of my underwear, ever so carefully running along the space of a woman’s leg where a thigh becomes something else.  Then he traced a line back down my leg to the back of my knee.  I was already on the verge of more pleasure then I’d had in years when his fingers were replaced by the warmth of his full palm.  I gasped and opened my eyes.

He was looking at me, watching me while his hand rested on my thigh.  His eyes were intense and his breathing ragged.  I looked at him, unable to hide anything and realized it was my own breathing which was unstable.

His hand quickly moved from my thigh to my back and forcibly pushed me toward him.  Our bodies collided and his lips caught mine and with no courtesy smile or kiss, his tongue pushed past my own lips and he kissed me hard and deeply.  My hands flew to his face grabbing either side of his head and pulled him into me.  We couldn’t get any closer but I wanted to be, I wanted to lose any idea of where my body stopped and his started.  My legs reached for his, winding between them.  His hands reached for my body as he turned and laid on top of me.  We grabbed and held and squeezed and gasped for air and then panicked when we felt air instead of each other.

Josh’s lips moved deftly from my lips to my neck.  He pressed down hard and kissed the side of neck causing my body to buck upwards into his.  My hands grabbed at his shirt pushing it up his body until Josh took the hint and leaned off my neck and sat back to take it off.  He pulled his shirt off and I unhooked my bra and looking at each other, we smiled and flung our respective clothing across the room.

He began to lean back on top of me but I put my hands to his chest and stopped him.

"Josh, wait."

His face panicked.  "This isn’t what you want?"

"Oh," I said lifting my hips to his causing him to moan, "This is so a hundred times what I want."

He smiled a devilish grin, "Then?"

"This," I said biting my lower lip and moaning on my own as I rubbed my left hand over his chest.  "This is my favorite part.  I just, I just wanted you to know that."

Josh titled his head at me.  "This?"

I touched his bare chest with the open palm of my hand and then turned my hand and touched my own chest.  "This."

Josh smiled at me with more sweetness and less devil and nodded.  He slowly lowered back down on top of me.  My bare breasts pressed softly against his bare chest and I bit down hard on my lip as my body caught on fire from the friction.  That first feeling of our chests together ignited a passion in my body and heart that I’d never felt before and I pressed myself into him out of the need and passion.

"Oh God," he breathed into my ear as my arms went around his body and my hands moved down his back.

He moved his head down and kissed my left breast full and wet, grabbing my nipple in his teeth and flicking his tongue across it.   I arched into his mouth and ran my hands through his hair as he continued licking and nibbling from one breast to the other.  Unable to exhibit any semblance of restraint or patience I wrapped my legs around his torso and used my feet to pull at his pants.  He was only wearing sweats and boxers and my writhing and tugging managed to bundle the sweats into a mass of material at his knees.  It wasn’t perfect but it would do.  I slid my hands inside his boxers and ran my nails lightly over the skin of the perfect ass I’d watched walk away from me one too many times.

"Donna!" he gasped pulling his head back from my breast, his hips bucking so hard against me that his erection pressed deeply into my inner right thigh.

I looked up at him and smiled coyly.  His mouth was hanging open and his eyes were wide and surprised.  I lifted my head to meet his and caught his lower lip between mine.  I sucked on it and nibbled on it until he closed his mouth around mine and pushed me back down with his deep kiss.  His hands trailed down past my breasts, red and full from his adoration, and slid over the soft silk of my underwear.  He slipped one finger under the waistband and ran his finger lightly over the last region of my body he hadn’t yet touched.  I groaned into our kiss desperately wanting him to hurry, to hurry and touch me, to hurry and be inside me.

He ended the kiss and laughed at my whimpers.  "Josh, please" I pouted arching my hips in hopes that his hand would slide further.

"Please what?"

"Josh!" I moaned.  He slid another finger and another until his whole hand was inside my underwear and feeling ever so cautiously along its way.

He moved his head next to mine and took the bottom lobe of my ear into his mouth, sucking and nibbling just as he done with my nipples.  "Tell me" he breathed in between nibbles.  "Tell me what you want."

"You," I said breathlessly.  "I’ve always wanted you."

Josh turned and looked into my eyes, and as he did his hand pushed down between my thighs and crashed into my clit so forcefully that I actually screamed.

Josh laughed at my explosion and nuzzled the nape of my neck while I calmed down enough to laugh at myself.  He was still giggling at me when he lifted his hand and slid a finger deep inside me.  I groaned despite my own laughter and thought about how all the times I’d slept with someone, despite the oh so good and worth it feeling, I’d never thought to call it fun, until now.

Josh’s fingers were working all kinds of magic on me, his thumb was pressing pretty circles on my clit while the finger inside me was joined by another, pumping back and forth in a staccato rhythm that made my ears blaze and breath heave and my eyes blur. 

"You’re so beautiful Donna," Josh said increasing speed and pressure with his hand.  "So beautiful."

I focused on his face, on his eyes, those deep brown eyes.  I wanted to make him feel the way I did.  I wanted him to know how good I felt.  I moved my hands back down to his boxers and tried to push them off, but he was leaning against me and they wouldn’t budge.

"Donna," he started to say.  But I wanted to touch him so badly.  I pushed my hands inside his boxers and around the sides of his hips.

"Donna," he said again.  "Donna, wait.  Let me do this.  Let me, Donna."

I looked at him and groaned, but I couldn’t argue if I wanted to.  The quickened pace of his hand was making it impossible for me to do anything but give myself completely to him.  I was close to cumming and was panting and grunting beyond recognition.  He pushed a third finger inside me and kissed me deeply on that spot to end all spots on my neck.  My body moved uncontrollably to keep up, lifting my back off the bed high enough that Josh could curl his other hand around and press tightly against the base of my back.  The waves of warmth were rising inside me and when Josh moved his mouth to take my breast once more they crashed with the force of a thousand oceans and I cried out helplessly as I orgasmed around his hand.

Satisfied, I collapsed back onto the bed and Josh moved his hands to my face, pushing the hair out of my eyes and holding my head.  It took several minutes before I could feel my muscles again and then some more minutes after that before I found my voice.

"Oh, Josh," I said through swollen lips.  "That was so...I mean, you were so...I mean I never...I just...Josh."

He smiled at me.  "Don’t worry he said, I’m not going to say something cocky."

I smiled as full consciousness came back to me.  "But Josh," I whispered to him, "I was hoping you’d still be cocky for me."

"Donna?" he said with wide eyes.  "I can’t believe you just said that."

I shrugged my shoulders.  "Sex makes you wacky."

He smiled and then moaned as I finally succeeded in pushing his boxers down his hips.

"Wait," Josh said stopping my hand.  "Do you?"

"Oh, right.  Yes, right, of course," I answered.  I motioned for Josh to let me up and he rolled off me to the far side of the bed.  I missed his body and found the bare air depressing.  I sat up and stretched my arms, my back to Josh.  I got up from the bed slowly, unsure of the stability of my legs, but glad to have a chance to stretch them.  I stretched my arms again, reaching toward the ceiling and then shaking out the soreness in my upper body.

"This is fun," Josh said.  "Do more calisthenics.  I like the view."

I turned to see him propped up on his side watching me contently.  I threw the nearest pillow at him knocking him over.

"Tease" he mumbled.

I walked into the bathroom where my toiletries case was and fished around in it until I found a condom.  I started to head back to the bed, but turned around and grabbed a second-you know, just in case.

When I approached the bed again Josh smiled at me.  I got back under the warm comforter and cuddled up against him.

"You are stunning," he said hugging me toward him.  "Do guys tell you that a lot?  That you’re stunning."

I shrugged my shoulders and began to move my hand down his chest, saying "I haven’t paid much attention to other guys lately."  This time it was easy to remove his boxers.  He’d gotten rid of his sweats while I was gone and kicked the boxers off his feet easily.  I bit my lip again, a nervous habit that always showed up during sex, and let my hand glide along his hard erection.

He gasped and reached for my breast with his hand, squeezing and playing with the sensitive skin as I ran my nails up and down his thick shaft.  My thumb ran across the head where drops of pre cum moistened the skin of my fingers until I was able to easily pump my hand along his cock.  I took my other hand from his chest and reached down squeezing the base of his erection.  He gave up on my breasts and laid back on the bed so I could reach him more easily.  His eyes never left mine and I watched them fill with an intense desire I’d never seen before, but I suspected my own eyes mirrored his.

 I started to increase the speed and pressure with which I touched him.  He pushed a hand between my thighs and found that I was wetter than I had been minutes early when I was crashing around him.  He placed both hands on my hips and without warning lifted me on top of him.  I let go of him and braced myself with both arms.  He reached over and grabbed one of the condoms I’d left on the pillow, ripping it open and quickly sheathing himself with it.  Then he grabbed my hips again and guided me as I lowered myself on to him.

He entered me slowly and I moved only slightly until I was used to the feeling of Josh inside me.  Then I leaned forward, my breasts pushing into his chest and I began to move my hips back and forth.  Josh did the same, one hand staying on the backside of my hip to guide us and the other moving up to my head.  He ran his hand through my hair and held me as we picked up speed until we were moving with all the passion and desperation we’d begun with.  

"Oh God," he moaned into me.  "Did you know?"

"What?" I asked gasping for air.  "What?"

"Did you know?  Did you know it was going to feel like this?"

I rested my forehead on his chest and kissed him tenderly.  "No.  I only hoped."

I squeezed my inner muscles around him and Josh groaned loudly.  He wrapped his arm around me and, with great skill, flipped me to my back without breaking our rhythm.  He slid almost all of the way out of me and then slammed back in.  I screamed for a second time and dug my nails into his back.  

"Can I..." Josh started but I stopped him covering his mouth with a hand.

"Don’t ask," I said forcefully while rising to meet him again and again. "Don’t ever ask.  Just take me."

Josh looked at me for a second and then nodded.  He grabbed my wrists and pushed my arms up and over my head.  He held them there, stretching my body out, pressing his chest into my tender breasts and he slammed into me again and again, so hard that it hurt in the best way possible and I screamed once more as I came again.  Josh let go of my wrists and grabbed my face kissing me hard as he slammed once more into me, then he lifted his head and let out a guttural moan as he came inside me.

When he was done he collapsed on top of me and we stayed that way, drained and exhausted.  Covered in sweat and incoherent mumbles.  Closer than either of us knew was possible.

* * *

Josh had showered first.  I took my time, pushing the soap over every part of my body remembering all the things Josh had done to it.  I thought how odd it was that the last time I’d showered my body hadn’t felt him, hadn’t known what it was like for him to feel it, but now it knew, now I knew.

I finished my shower and since my Nanook nightgown was even less appropriate now, I opted for Josh’s white t-shirt instead.  I put it on and pulled the collar to my nose breathing in the familiar scent of him.

"I smell even better over here," Josh called to me.  "It’s the shower fresh version of me."

I giggled and got back into bed.  Josh propped himself on his side and looked at me.  "Donna, there’s something I want to tell you that I couldn’t say before."

"When before?"

"Before we slept together."

"You were waiting till we slept together to tell me something?"

He looked at me with his annoyed look.  I knew that look well.  "No, I was not waiting till we slept together.  It’s just it wasn’t really something I could tell you.  And then I came in here tonight, and we started, well, you know," he said waving his hand over us for effect.  "And when it kept going I realized I’ve got to tell her, I need to tell her, but it just wasn’t the kind of thing I wanted to tell you when we were, well you know."

I shook my head.  "No, when we were what?"

"Having sex."

"The kind of thing you can’t say when you’re having sex with someone."

"No.  I just..."

"But something you’ve been meaning to tell me?"

"Not exactly meaning to."

"Is this about hygiene?  You think I need to clean my ears better or something."

"Donna..."

"Or have you’ve been sleeping with someone else?"

"Don..."

"Oh.  God, Josh, you’ve been..."

"Donna!"

"What?"

"Shut up, Donna.  Just stop talking."

I looked at Josh with my pouty face.  He knew that face well.

"Donna, I wanted to tell you something that I didn’t think you wanted to hear from me.  I didn’t think you wanted to hear from me until tonight, until we made love tonight.  So I want to tell you now.  I want to tell you that I love you.  I love you Donnatella Moss.  But I didn’t want you to think I was saying it because we were having sex.  I didn’t want you to think it was the hormones or lust or anything other than me saying it.  I wanted you to know that it’s me, all me, when I say I love you.  Cause I love you, Donna."

My heart glowed with both excitement and contentment, as if I’d just finished an amazing journey.  I smiled at Josh, reached for his hands and said, "Okay."

"Okay?"  He asked incredulously.  "All you’re going to say is okay?"

I nodded.  "Yep."

"Oh."  He looked at me for a while.   "Well," Josh raised his eyebrows and squeezed my hand tenderly.  "Okay then."

I kissed Josh lightly on the lips.  Then I turned on my side facing away from him.  He wrapped his arms around and I grabbed his hand again and sighed as we spooned effortlessly.

"Good night Donna," Josh said kissing the top of my head.

"Good night."

Josh rested his head on top of mine.  Within a few minutes our breathing had synchronized and I took great comfort in feeling his chest rise and fall with mine.  I laid there for several minutes thinking about the night and the entire trip and wondering what was going to happen when we got back.

"Josh?"

"Hmmm?"  he mumbled sleepily.

"Are you awake?"

"Hmmm?" he mumbled again.

"Are you awake?"

"Yeah, sure, sure Donna, I’m awake."

"Josh, I do want to tell you that I love you, but I don’t want you to think I’m just saying it because you did.  I want you to know that I mean it, that I’m not saying it because I’m supposed to or you think that I think I have to.  So I’m not going to tell you I love you now.  I’m going to wait.  Maybe a day or maybe a week.  But some time when you don’t expect it and you’re not thinking about it, I’m going to tell you that I love you.  Okay?"

Josh nodded.  "Okay, Donna."

"I just wanted you to know that."

"I’m glad."

END


End file.
